Exorcisms
by AlSmash
Summary: All she had left were her demons. Now was the best time to exorcise them.


N 35° 41' 38.0796", E 139° 42' 12.876". To everyone else, those would seem to be simple coordinates on the map located in the Shinjuku District of Tokyo. For me, they were the entire world.

They were the coordinates to where I met the man who I fell in love with. The man who I would later betray.

It was a far cry from what I remember of it, when we first met, it was nothing more than a shattered husk of concrete and girders. Buildings falling into disrepair from damage and neglect. Nearly a year after that, I had saved his life in this very spot, where it was merely the foundation for a new building.

Today, it was a high-rise building that housed hundreds of apartments. Progress, right? Thousands of people who did not have a fucking clue that their freedom was because of that man who had given them everything and they now scorn, spit upon, and curse. Today, that man was an epithet, a he-who-shall-not-be-named, a demon to scare little children at night, "you better eat your vegetables or the Demon Emperor will get you". Bastards. Everything you have you should thank HIM for. This peace, this world, it was all because you were incapable of being better than animals who rut in filth.

Zero Requiem. I still couldn't understand it, even today, why was it the only option? Why did he have to do it?

But I digress, it doesn't fucking matter anymore. What matters is what I came here to do. My exorcism. My freedom.

I stop as I sit down now, my phone beginning to vibrate, I cast a look at it only make sure that it was who I thought it was. Indeed, the only person who could have talked me out of it. But it was too late, I was too far gone. My resignation the last bridge to this world, burnt in a sad letter to a girl who viewed me as a big sister.

I know I had promised that I would take care of myself, and everything in this world had been happy, it had been enough. But maybe it wasn't, maybe, I had merely lived with the euphoria of surviving, of seeing that what he had built would withstand the test of our imperfection. That I could move on.

Who the hell was I kidding? The nightmares made sure that I couldn't. Nightmares of blood, of him, the look of betrayal on his face. The eternal sadness as the life drained out of him. They never left me after that first year, some nights I would just remember the nights we had together, just chatting, and then the others all I remember are blood and I'd wake up screaming and crying. Not even my mother understood what was going on, not that I allowed her understand.

School came and went, and I remember Nunnally personally visiting to me to be her Knight of Honor, I had been honored, I had been thrilled. And for awhile, the nightmares went away. The girl who could have been my sister was a ward from the evil that crept in my mind. Yet, like everything, it lost strength and they returned.

I tried to fight them, I tried to just bury myself into the little things of life, anything to take the edge off, even dating Gino, loud-mouthed Gino, but that had ended badly after the first night. No, I couldn't betray Lelouch any further.

That was when I found Refrain, sweet Refrain. I can see why Lelouch wanted to turn to it. I could be with him, even though I knew it was all an illusion, all something created by my brain. But sometimes, sometimes you want something to be so real, that you ignore reality itself.

But it wasn't enough. It never was enough. It never could be enough. Not when the Refrain faded away and I was left empty, my soul a tattered shredded thing that had nothing to anchor it down. A festering wound within my heart that no treatment could heal.

My body began failing, little things here or there. Trembles, slowed reflexes, people worried, even the bastards that I swore off. Damn Ougi and his whore, damn them to hell, what made them think they could involve themselves in my life. Not when they were responsible for his death. Not when…

Then I simply couldn't hide it. I think Gino knew, but he tried to cover for me, even Nunnally knew. She always seemed to know. They both saw me wasting away, and yet they didn't know what to do. Maybe I should be grateful for them, maybe I should curse them for their incapability. I don't even know anymore. All I know was that I am empty, and there is nothing, no one, that will be able to fix me.

And now, I come back to the point where it all began, the alpha and the omega of my life. The very beginning and the very end. A place that gave me a life and gave me a future, but also took everything away from me. I should curse him, but I love him. Those eyes, that smile, that arrogance. But I can't.

Because he is my demon.

It really doesn't even matter anymore. What was the point of Zero Requiem if I could not share it with the one I loved? He created a world of peace for all, but emptiness for me. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe the Refrain has burned me out. Frankly, I no longer care, I have nothing left, Kallen Kozuki, the great Ace of the Black Knights, the betrayer of Zero, was nothing more than a burnt out husk of flesh, a ghost in corporeal form.

I laughed, because that was all I could do, I could only laugh at the sheer frivolity of it all. The one thing Lelouch told me, commanded me to do, because he believed I was strong. Lelouch, the genius that brought Britannia to its knees and trained the world, had once again underestimated the most basic of things, humanity.

I looked down at the instruments before me, it really didn't matter, it never mattered, not since then.

Taking a deep breath, I took the Refrain and injected it in my bloodstream, the familiar friend like fire in my veins as it crept its way to my brain, giving me what I wanted as I could feel my eyes unfocus and glass, my other hand trembled, suddenly heavier as I saw him, my heart racing in my chest.

He looked as beautiful as he always did, ebony hair that shone in the light, violet eyes that danced in amusement and the smile, Oh God, the smile.

He is beckoning me now, and I...

My hand raised up the second implement of my exorcism as I put it under my chin, staring straight at him, never judging me, just like he never did.

And I pulled the trigger and three years to the day at the very place we first met, I finally to rejoin my love.

* * *

A/N: I threw this together in about a half an hour after **Magery** posted his fic "Ghosts" I think you should go and spend some time to read it.

Furthermore, from a writer's perspective, I wanted to write this form the mind of Kallen as it's in the throes of desperation, sadness, and a little bit of insanity. She's been haunted since the first anniversary of his death with the nightmares, the dreams, and the guilt. So what you are seeing is not so much grammar and punctuation errors as much as the degradation of her thinking and her mind. A real sad thing and really, I haven't written anything this dark in quite some time.

I hope you have enjoyed this little one shot I threw together.


End file.
